On Coping with Rejection

Rejection is never a pleasant feeling. Whether it be from that guy or girl you like, that group you thought were your friends, a job, or a school, rejection, especially a lot of it, inevitably makes you reevaluate yourself, and begrudgingly... your worth. Am I not worth that guy or girl? Is there something about me that that group of people doesn't like? Was all my hard work not enough for that school? 

Rejection is also frustrating. Its validity can be so ambiguous. Am I being rejected for a legitimate reason? Or is it just a byproduct of something else? Someone's ego? The economy? You may have a few black and white instances of rejection. If you get rejected from every job at a certain pay grade, with the reason "needs more expertise", perhaps it is a valid assessment of a current needed area of improvement, and you work to improve. If you get rejected from most jobs you applied to, in a post 2009 sub-prime mortgage Great Recession job market, perhaps the rejections are more a byproduct of the economy. But the in between situations are much more common, much more tenuous in explanation, and leave us wanting of reason. 


So here are my two cents on the matter, having experienced ...admittedly... a wealth (millionaire's worth) of rejections in my life. Regardless of rejection's frustrating ambiguity... or its validity... you should never let it effect how you feel about your self-worth, or value. I know, I know, easier said than done...its hard to do, especially if your family and peers put a lot of value on...say, a college's or career's prestige. In fact, I know someone who lied to all his friends for a full year, saying he had gotten into law school out of shear embarrassment about not getting in... He was having a really rough time with law school rejection, battling depression and the like. In a very common frame of mind, if College A=Valuable, and person "I" did not get into College A, the brain naturally devolves into " I< College A" or "person I does not equal Valuable".  

Well, I think that is a slightly skewed way to think. Person I=Valuable Ad Infinitum, and that should always be the case. Every human has intrinsic value which cannot be determined by the contrived value system a society produces. Social values change constantly, and differ from person to person, from valuing prestigious colleges, to valuing disruptive internet drop outs. So basing your own self worth on such a vacillating value system is not only tiring, but it can be a slightly flawed way of thinking. What is success? What is failure? What is value? The definitions of these social pillars change constantly. Define them yourself. 

After dealing with the initial emotional reaction, the next trick in coping with rejection is in determining your next actions. Figure out if the rejection is a true indication of a needed area for improvement. This can often be difficult to determine, and its this ambiguity which often clouds the path to an objective plan of action, leading to confusion, doubt, and frustration. In these grey area cases, it may be useful to ask for input from your rejecter(s).  If speaking directly to your rejecter(s) is difficult, ask for input from impartial, objective third parties. Of course, always take things with a grain of salt, but try to notices if there is a common trend from your rejections.

 If it is a valid rejection, determine if it is actually an area you want to work on, and if you are willing to make the sacrifices necessary for the change. Are you willing to sacrifice your geeky tendencies to fit into that group? No? Then don't make that change. Are you willing to make the sacrifice to learn Microsoft Excel Macros for your desired job title? Yes? Then go for it. 

But what do you do if its not a "valid" rejection? Well...there really isn't much you can do in these instances, except accept the inevitable variability in these highly cluttered and complicated processes like graduate school applications, grant applications, etc. Detach yourself emotionally from the rejection, and just keep applying and treat it like a numbers game. Play the game. Know that the application process to such and such graduate school may not be the best assessment of your scientific or academic abilities. So regardless of your scientific merit, come application time, you will need to jump through the hoops presented to you and play the game in order to reach your goal. 

So hopefully the above is helpful in coping with rejection. Stay strong and fight on!